Thursday, 16 October 2014

#286: Feel better about myself

This is a huge one for me and to be honest I'm not sure I really should tick this off the List because it's just such a foreign, fleeting feeling. It comes and goes in such quick bursts I sometimes wonder if the feeling ever really existed or if it was something I just willed/wished for myself so much I made myself believe it was true for a moment.

That said, if ever there was a time where I might be able to achieve this one, I think now is the time. So, (deep breath) I have a confession to make: I'm generally feeling pretty good about myself. There, I said it. It is embarrassing how hard it is to feel like this and how even harder it is to admit. But it's true. Between my new job, my holiday, new new life, my recent burst of activity/exercise that's helped me lose more weight, I am feeling -- if not good -- at least not ashamed of myself which is a huge step for me.
For so many years when I was with my Ex I didn't feel attractive, let alone sexy, funny or wanted. My Ex never complimented me on how I looked. On the contrary, the only comments I used to get were barbs about my clothes, how preppy/untrendy I was, and how maybe 'we' need to lose weight. In the first few months we were together I had heard so many comments about a co-worker my Ex had been in love with and how I'd never compare to her, her style and how she looked that those wounds never really healed, despite 9 years and, eventually, a multitude of 'I do love you, you know' later. (Why I decided to stick around after hearing those comments is a whole other matter...but the saying 'you get the love you think you deserve' was very true for me.)
I'm pleased to say that I'm starting to have glimpses of myself when I think 'not bad', as opposed to the self-loathing, 'you're completely unloveable'. 'Not bad' is really good for good as I can hope for in the circumstances. I'm still learning to be the best version of me I can be (and have a very long way to go) but on a good day, I've learned that best version is not half bad. 

I've also learned that in the future I deserve a whole lot more than 'I do love you, you know'. 

Photo credit: shutterstock

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